every day when I come home from school I sit there, eating some sort of snack, and plan how I’m going to tackle my homework and work on debate blocks - but then when I actually get to the chair where my computer thinking occurs, I pass out. I slept for 4 hours in an office chair today. what the hell is going on? my body is shutting off, and it’s not like I have no form of motivation to do this work - I want to - but I’m not being allowed to. I wake up at 8, eat the dinner I should have eaten 2 hours ago, and attempt to do my work again - but it just isn’t happening. I don’t know what to do. once I get a car maybe I’ll start going to the gym right after school. that wakes you up.

I can’t keep doing this for very long.

If the two of you were to show up at my door, unannounced, like some sort of personified flashback - I would give you a hug, go to dinner and a movie with you, and then not call you back. I would answer when you called, yes, but I would not initiate conversation. I wouldn’t cling to you like I did then, finding my identity in your twisted relationship and searching for clever phrases and quirks that I could adopt and make my own. I miss her, and I miss what I thought he was - but I don’t want to go back to that time.

Last night, I stopped when the song came on. When I realized that I will never be able to look at you without feeling like I’m trapped inside of myself and screaming to try to get out, everything stopped moving and I just sat still. I stared at the wall, watched the movie that was created inside of my head - our highlight reel - and found truth in your words. You washed away like the tide, only it wasn’t like you were never there. Every action I take is performed on a stage that you’ve constructed, but you’re simultaneously irrelevant. I suppose, what I’m trying to say is; I wanted to believe in all the words that you were speaking as we stood together in the dark, all the friends that I was telling - all the playful misspellings - and every bite you gave that left a mark. I didn’t want the bruises to fade, but they did and so did you that day. While this redefined rephrasing of a relatively cliche’ song doesn’t say everything I need it to, it says everything that language can on the matter.

I loved being needed, I loved what we were, I love who she is, I loved who I thought he was - I miss it, but I don’t want it back.

get buzzed
clean my room
sleep